i feel fat i feel fAT i FeEl FaT I feEL FAT I FEEL FAT. Im fat, my legs are fat my arms are fat my stomaches fat my everything is fat fat fat.  I need to shrink shrink shrink......


Into Nothing

*feels like death*

I feel dead right now.  I hate my fucked up mood swings.  One moment Im fine, and the next  I just want to die.  No worries though I wont actually kill myself.  I just feel empty.  hard to explain.  I started smoking again.  I tried to quit.  But yeah..just started again this past weekend.  I have no control over anything.  Except eating.  I can control that and I will have control.  It feels good.  Smoking and not eating.  I did eat something today though, a cup of black bean soup-100 cals. And an apple-50.  Nothing else for me today though.  Nothing else would feel right in me.

Fate

just got my septum pierced yesturday, hells to the yeah!! Looove it.  Hurt like hell though going in, but I know this is going to sound weird but I kinda liked the pain.  Anywho, went to see the councelor today, she thinks i need a med evaluation, so im going in this thursday, and also she thinks I have bipolar, who the hell knows.  BUT the biggest thing that happened to me today.  I swear to god it seems like fate.  Anyways let me tell you the story.  Ok so like a week or so ago I went to hot topic, I got a shirt and some stuff for my step sister, anyways a guy that works there I notice is really cute, and I also notice that he has his septum pierced which I have been wanting for a while.  So i strike up a convo and ask if it hurt when he got it pierced and i said i wanted one for a while, blah blah blah.  Ok so yesturday, Im having a bad day, and I decide to get my septum pierced to cheer me up.  After I get it done I go to the mall.  I go in hot topic.  Hes there.  I get a bra and thong(ha ha ha).  He remembers me, sees that i have the septum piercing.  Conragulates me.  Blah blah blah.  Anyways so today, at likje 6 oclock i went for a walk in downtown.  I hear this guy on the other side of the street playing the guitar and singing, and hes actually REALLY good, which is rare cause a lot of the people who play on the street arent that great, anyways its pretty dark so i cant see the face clearly.  So i go to starbucks and get a mint tea for myself and i do something insane, well not that insane anyways I also get a cup of hot chocolate, intending to give it to the guitar player cause hes really good, and its cold out.  So as Im walking up to the guitar player and I notice that its HIM. Hot topic guy.  Like what are the odds. Ahhh.  So i give the hot chocolate to him and Im like oh my god I didnt even know it was you, I just heard you from the opposite side of the street and heard you were really good so I wanted to get you hot chocolate.( he remembers me btw, good sign)  And he was like thanks, my hands were getting really cold, blah blah blah, and Im like yeah I play also, it sucks playing outside when its cold, bla blah, and anyways he asks me my name and he introduces himself.  But then I got shy so Im like alright see ya, and leave.  Hes sooo cute.  Whatever, Ill prob never see him again, and he prob already has a girlfriend, or is gay, I dont know.  Such is my life.

so i havent blogged in a while cause thursday night my friend spent the night, and spent the day with me on friday, then friday night I drove to Rhode Island to visit my family.  It was kind of a spur of the moment trip.  Anyways Im down to 106 lbs.  Im kinda surprised cause yesturday I spent the day with my grandmother and shes Italian, so shes always like EAT, EAT!! You know how it is.  But last thursday and friday I didn't eat much, and so far today I had a poached egg (75 cals) and half a grapefruit (50 cals), and its 3:00 pm.  So I guess it evened out.  On a side note..I cant't wait till this wretched winter is over, I want summer so badd so I can go to the ocean every day I have off and lie on the beach.  Ahhh doesnt that sound nice??