*feels like death*

I feel dead right now.  I hate my fucked up mood swings.  One moment Im fine, and the next  I just want to die.  No worries though I wont actually kill myself.  I just feel empty.  hard to explain.  I started smoking again.  I tried to quit.  But yeah..just started again this past weekend.  I have no control over anything.  Except eating.  I can control that and I will have control.  It feels good.  Smoking and not eating.  I did eat something today though, a cup of black bean soup-100 cals. And an apple-50.  Nothing else for me today though.  Nothing else would feel right in me.