*needs to lose weight without over thinking it*

thats my problem right there, i over think it and then end up getting stressed-out and start eating wayy to much.  anyways...i just need to stop being a lazy-ass bum and start working out more.  Seriously. Its redic-u-lous. Infact I'm going to go work out right now, so hollazz.

Oh and thankyou Dani for congratulating me on the new job :)

One more note before I go....Seth (my new boy that i talked about in last post) is AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!

Hey Guys! Soo its been a while...mostly cause I've been eating more normally lately.  Im on this new medication and its really working I think.  I dont feel as depressed anymore etc.  I havent gained any weight but I haven't really lost any either.  Im at 110 lbs.  Also I dumped that kid that I was semi-dating, as in he asked me out but I wasnt sure if I wanted to date him so I said I dont know.  But last week i ended whatever kinda relationship we had.  We're just wayyy too different.  And Im not physically attracted to him...so yeah.  But I met someone else, and this kid that i really really like is prertty much perfect for me.  We have alot in common, alot of the same interests, we get along great, and i am so into him, hes really hot.  So yeahh, the only thing is he's my old semi-boyfriends friend.  Oh well.  I actually met him at the club when I got really drunk, and I was hitting on him the whole night.  Ha ha ha.  I swear Im really not a skank, even though it prob seems like it :)  But Im really gonna try to lose some more weight, but a lil more healthily, this way i'll avoid binges which lead to self-hate.  So im thinking i'll keep it around 700 cals a day.  And just staying active and exercising.  I also started a new job today now that I've movewd back home.  Its at a cute local cafe.  My scene haha.  Alright thats all for now.  See yuzz!

btw everythings fine about my stepfather walking in on me, checking out my stomach fat.  hes kind of the person that probably figures that thats what all girls do.

anyways, just got back last night from florida last night.  AND i weighed myself this morning and i weigh 108 lbs!! i mustve lost like atleast 4 lbs while i was down there.  Pretty much all i ate was like 2 salads a day and drink rum shots at night.  Last night tho, i ate a shit load of food so right now all im thinking about is that i would weigh even less if i didnt eat all that food.  It was junk food too.  I got it at the gas station for the ride home from the airport.  So i was having straight rum shots, and while doing them i was wondering how many calories are in rum?? I got so drunk the second night, I had 5 shots, and especially the fact that i wasnt eating alot and im on meds..yeah pretty much i was wasted.  We went to a club, me and my "guy friend" and his friends, and i was so bad, I almost got us kicked out cause Im under 21 and it was obvious that i was drunk.  When we got back to his house that night we had a pretty intense make-out session on my bed, I still have a hickey near my pelvic bone from it. Sorry if thats tmi, but I cant really tell anyone I know about all of this, so I like to get it out on here. Fun times fun times haha.  The second morning I payed for it though, cause i puked twice and felt like complete shit.  Well glad to be back. 

ok embarassing story.  so i was just in my mom and and stepfathers room watching tv with them and they both left.  so i go over to their mirror and pull up my shirt till my stomach is showing and start sucking in and checking out my belly fat and seriously start grabbing the fat that i need to loose etc.  Then my stepfather walks in and sees me.  so i pretty much just pulled my shirt down and walked out of the room with my head down and face red.  hahaha kinda emabarassing, oh well.  So i lost another pound, i am now down to 112, and i did pretty good calorie-wise today so i should lose some more tomorrrow morning when i weigh myself.

i crave cigarettes not food.

ahhhh im craving a cigarette like a mother fuckerrrr.  but as mentioned before im now living at my moms and im not aloud to smoke:(  and i cant do it behind her back, because ive tried that and it makes me feel like shit and wicked guilty so yeah..then i end up wanting to cut and anyways...i just really want one.  man this blows. on the bright side (if there is one) ive lost some more weight.  not alot cause i ended up eating too much yesturday, a.k.a binged, not a bad one though. I worked out afterwards though to burn some off. so yeah i prob ended up having like 1500 cals yesturday, i think. The day before i only had 250 though, so thats good. so i lost 2 lbs over the past two days.  im now 113. >_<  blech it seems so high, but whatevs just want to stay positive and keep in mind that it WILL go down.  just gotta be patient.  Anywhoo i dont have anything to add, so yeah.  hope all is well with you all <3

2/4/11

Went to Borders today, cause I havent read anything in a while and Ive been really jonesing for a book. Picked up Cut and Must Love Black.  Both from the young adult section.  I love young adult books, Im 19 so I guess I can still get away with it haha.  Anywhoo..to Glitch who commented on my last post about the salad, I use balsamic vinegar btw, just wanted to throw that out there.  I love just vinegar and olive oil for dressing.  I dont like regular dressing cause of all the shit they put in them.  But I do like to have a little fat with the lettuce cause the vitamins in lettuce are fat soluble or whatever so your body can only absorb the vitamins with some fat, and olive oil is a healthy fat so yeah...
Went to the councelor today for a medication eval cause I need to be put back on meds.  So i am now officially on meds.  Before I was taking citalopram for depression but they made me whacko cause of bipolar or something, so now I am on Lexapro.  I told her that I was afraid to be on meds cause of the side effects, and I said that I heard alot of them make you fat so I didnt want that. Obviously.  So she prescribed Lexapro, apparently its VERY rare that youll gain weight while on it.  So thats good. 

 last night for dinner i had a bowl of lettuce w/ vinegar and a teensy bit of olive oil and some black pepper (75-100?? the olive oil is what makes it more), while my family had spaghetti and meatballs.
scale this morning.. lost 2 lbs....:) this morning i had half a can of tuna (50) and a small orange (35).

food plan for the rest of the day: other half of the can of tuna (50), bowl of lettuce w/ vinegar, olive oil and black pepper (75-100?)
im making spanish rice and beans for my family tonight though, my mom likes the way i cook it.  That used to be a staple of mine, when i used to be a vegan.  But i eat it so much that im pretty sure ill be able to decline. I'll prob have a tiny bit just to make sure the seasoning is good, but thats like a spoonful, and rice and beans arent high in cals anyways so im not too worried about it.  
anyways theres this guy that ive been talking to alot lately, he really likes me, but im not sure if i want to go out with him.  hes super nice though.  he lives in florida though which is definatley a long-distance relationship, so i dont know...anyways hes friends with one of my friends, thats how i met him, when he came up to visit my friend. anyways im going to be visiting him on the 10th, im really nervous about it :/

So i havent posted in a while.  Alot has been happening I guess you could say.  Last week I was really depressed, to the point of wanting to kill myself on saturday.  But no worries, I obviously didnt cause I'm here writing this post.  Its just I was at a point where I was feeling so guilty cause I started smoking cigarettes like 2 months ago, and nobody knew about it except my councelor.  Doesnt sound too bad right? but if you knew my mom, my family and my friends, there all really against that, so yeah..  So saturday I went to the store got some razors, went home, cleaned my room, took a shower, got dressed in my favorite shirt, put some insence on, some music and just started cutting. But then I got really scared cause the first one i did was really deep and I almost puked and felt like i was going to pass out, so i called my mom, told her to come and get me. told her what i was doing...she asked me why....I said guilt...for what...and then I said cause I started smoking.  Anyways now Im moving back home (I moved out three months ago in an appartment with two friends) and all that cause its "more stable." I cant smoke anymore though, big surprise.  One thing that really pissed me off though, was that when my mom and her husband came over to "help" me on that lovely evening,  the husband said i think you should give your cigarettes over to your mom.  Here I am bleeding, crying and completely screwed up and thats all he can think of.  They never asked to hand the razor blades over.  Like whats gonna kill me cigarettes or fucking razor blades, asswhipe? I want to believe that they truly care, but somethimes its hard to when they say shit like that.  But I am doing better now.  I just got back from snowshoeing.  Theres soo much snow,  really good exercise.  I think you burn alot of cals snowshoeing. I ate cereal this morning and some coffee, apparently I wasnt feeling fat this morning, but i sure as hell am right now, so Im going to try not gonna eat for the rest of the day.  Just some tea and water for me please.