So i havent posted in a while.  Alot has been happening I guess you could say.  Last week I was really depressed, to the point of wanting to kill myself on saturday.  But no worries, I obviously didnt cause I'm here writing this post.  Its just I was at a point where I was feeling so guilty cause I started smoking cigarettes like 2 months ago, and nobody knew about it except my councelor.  Doesnt sound too bad right? but if you knew my mom, my family and my friends, there all really against that, so yeah..  So saturday I went to the store got some razors, went home, cleaned my room, took a shower, got dressed in my favorite shirt, put some insence on, some music and just started cutting. But then I got really scared cause the first one i did was really deep and I almost puked and felt like i was going to pass out, so i called my mom, told her to come and get me. told her what i was doing...she asked me why....I said guilt...for what...and then I said cause I started smoking.  Anyways now Im moving back home (I moved out three months ago in an appartment with two friends) and all that cause its "more stable." I cant smoke anymore though, big surprise.  One thing that really pissed me off though, was that when my mom and her husband came over to "help" me on that lovely evening,  the husband said i think you should give your cigarettes over to your mom.  Here I am bleeding, crying and completely screwed up and thats all he can think of.  They never asked to hand the razor blades over.  Like whats gonna kill me cigarettes or fucking razor blades, asswhipe? I want to believe that they truly care, but somethimes its hard to when they say shit like that.  But I am doing better now.  I just got back from snowshoeing.  Theres soo much snow,  really good exercise.  I think you burn alot of cals snowshoeing. I ate cereal this morning and some coffee, apparently I wasnt feeling fat this morning, but i sure as hell am right now, so Im going to try not gonna eat for the rest of the day.  Just some tea and water for me please.