i feel fat i feel fAT i FeEl FaT I feEL FAT I FEEL FAT. Im fat, my legs are fat my arms are fat my stomaches fat my everything is fat fat fat.  I need to shrink shrink shrink......


Into Nothing

*feels like death*

I feel dead right now.  I hate my fucked up mood swings.  One moment Im fine, and the next  I just want to die.  No worries though I wont actually kill myself.  I just feel empty.  hard to explain.  I started smoking again.  I tried to quit.  But yeah..just started again this past weekend.  I have no control over anything.  Except eating.  I can control that and I will have control.  It feels good.  Smoking and not eating.  I did eat something today though, a cup of black bean soup-100 cals. And an apple-50.  Nothing else for me today though.  Nothing else would feel right in me.

Fate

just got my septum pierced yesturday, hells to the yeah!! Looove it.  Hurt like hell though going in, but I know this is going to sound weird but I kinda liked the pain.  Anywho, went to see the councelor today, she thinks i need a med evaluation, so im going in this thursday, and also she thinks I have bipolar, who the hell knows.  BUT the biggest thing that happened to me today.  I swear to god it seems like fate.  Anyways let me tell you the story.  Ok so like a week or so ago I went to hot topic, I got a shirt and some stuff for my step sister, anyways a guy that works there I notice is really cute, and I also notice that he has his septum pierced which I have been wanting for a while.  So i strike up a convo and ask if it hurt when he got it pierced and i said i wanted one for a while, blah blah blah.  Ok so yesturday, Im having a bad day, and I decide to get my septum pierced to cheer me up.  After I get it done I go to the mall.  I go in hot topic.  Hes there.  I get a bra and thong(ha ha ha).  He remembers me, sees that i have the septum piercing.  Conragulates me.  Blah blah blah.  Anyways so today, at likje 6 oclock i went for a walk in downtown.  I hear this guy on the other side of the street playing the guitar and singing, and hes actually REALLY good, which is rare cause a lot of the people who play on the street arent that great, anyways its pretty dark so i cant see the face clearly.  So i go to starbucks and get a mint tea for myself and i do something insane, well not that insane anyways I also get a cup of hot chocolate, intending to give it to the guitar player cause hes really good, and its cold out.  So as Im walking up to the guitar player and I notice that its HIM. Hot topic guy.  Like what are the odds. Ahhh.  So i give the hot chocolate to him and Im like oh my god I didnt even know it was you, I just heard you from the opposite side of the street and heard you were really good so I wanted to get you hot chocolate.( he remembers me btw, good sign)  And he was like thanks, my hands were getting really cold, blah blah blah, and Im like yeah I play also, it sucks playing outside when its cold, bla blah, and anyways he asks me my name and he introduces himself.  But then I got shy so Im like alright see ya, and leave.  Hes sooo cute.  Whatever, Ill prob never see him again, and he prob already has a girlfriend, or is gay, I dont know.  Such is my life.

so i havent blogged in a while cause thursday night my friend spent the night, and spent the day with me on friday, then friday night I drove to Rhode Island to visit my family.  It was kind of a spur of the moment trip.  Anyways Im down to 106 lbs.  Im kinda surprised cause yesturday I spent the day with my grandmother and shes Italian, so shes always like EAT, EAT!! You know how it is.  But last thursday and friday I didn't eat much, and so far today I had a poached egg (75 cals) and half a grapefruit (50 cals), and its 3:00 pm.  So I guess it evened out.  On a side note..I cant't wait till this wretched winter is over, I want summer so badd so I can go to the ocean every day I have off and lie on the beach.  Ahhh doesnt that sound nice??

Just deal with it.

1 pm- 1/2 grapefruit- 50 cals
3 pm- 1/2 grapefruit- 50 cals
           Ramen Noodles (made my own sauce, didnt use the packet it comes with)- 200 cals?
           5 Spanish Olives-25 cals.
4 pm- Soy chai tea latte- 200 cals?
5 pm- vegan muffin(purged it, so i dunno if it counts)
So i didnt stick with my plan to eat just a grapefruit and soymilk, oh well.  I went for a reallllly long walk today, and whenever i go for walks it makes me super hungry.  So atleast I burned some cals off. So I'm guessing my cals were anywheres from 500-600 cals today.  Oh and I also drank alot of water and green tea, and had some cigs.  I'm starting to get dreadlocks, I love dreads.   Alot of my friends wouldnt like them though, cause there snotty so I've been trying to hide my hair.  Its fairly easy now cause its only the bottom layer of my hair so I can just put my hair up in a bun, or leave my hair down and wear a scarf around my neck. This morning I weighed myself and I weigh 107.  Not bad I suppose, but not down to where I was this past summer.  (I gained like 10 lbs over the fall, I was 100 lbs) I've been feeling really weird lately, I have depression and anxiety, and I just started taking anti-depressants a few weeks ago, and for the first week I felt really great, but I think they stopped working, I feel I dont know, not right.  Hard to explain.  My dad had bipolar( had, hes dead now) and my sister has it too, so I'm wondering if I have it and maybe thats why they're making me feel this way.  Well next wednesday I'm going to get checked out, I have an appointment to talk to a counceler so maybe she'll know more.  The person that perscribed the meds to me wasnt even a doctor, shes like a nurse practioner or something, the step below a doctor, and she doesnt specialize in psychology, I just told her I was depressed and she perscribed me meds.  So who knows? Whatevs..I'll just deal with it.

Just bought a scale today,  and one of those heating pads. My appartment gets so cold so i thought it would help.  I cant just turn up the heat cause I have roommates and were all poor so we want to keep the oil bill down haha.  Anyways this morning I screwed up cause not only did I eat two pieces of toast w/ natural peanut butter but I had some of those mini one-bite candy bars, 3 to be exact :(  Oh well..  Then later on in the day I had a grapefruit and some soymilk.  I also had a soy chai tea latte.  And water and green tea, and 4 cigarettes.  All in all I'm guessing I had around 600-700 cals.  Not my best day but def not my worst. Tomorrow I'm just going to have a grapefruit, soymilk, and a spoonful of oatmeal.  And ofcourse limitless water, and tea.

                                                          (picture i painted a while back)

sorry i havent posted in a long time :( i guess ive just been busy and stuff. also for a while i started eating alot of junk food, like sweets and shit, and i felt horrible cause i used to eat really healthy.  So ive recently started a no-sugar diet.  im not eating any sugar for a week, to kill the sugar addiction, and after that the only sugar i can have will be fruits and honey.  like im not even eating fruit for a week and also no refined carbs, not that i eat alot of refined carbs andyways its mostly just whole grains for me.  mostly what ive been eating is veggies, hummus and tea.  i had a tiny bit of natural peanut butter today with a few baby carrot sticks, and when i say a tiny bit i mean like half a teaspoon haha. hmm what to say what to say..oh yeah and i started being a vegan again, ive been a vegetarian for like 2 years, and a few months back i became a vegan for a month but it didnt last but ive just started again.  its exciting, haha ima freak.