Just deal with it.

1 pm- 1/2 grapefruit- 50 cals
3 pm- 1/2 grapefruit- 50 cals
           Ramen Noodles (made my own sauce, didnt use the packet it comes with)- 200 cals?
           5 Spanish Olives-25 cals.
4 pm- Soy chai tea latte- 200 cals?
5 pm- vegan muffin(purged it, so i dunno if it counts)
So i didnt stick with my plan to eat just a grapefruit and soymilk, oh well.  I went for a reallllly long walk today, and whenever i go for walks it makes me super hungry.  So atleast I burned some cals off. So I'm guessing my cals were anywheres from 500-600 cals today.  Oh and I also drank alot of water and green tea, and had some cigs.  I'm starting to get dreadlocks, I love dreads.   Alot of my friends wouldnt like them though, cause there snotty so I've been trying to hide my hair.  Its fairly easy now cause its only the bottom layer of my hair so I can just put my hair up in a bun, or leave my hair down and wear a scarf around my neck. This morning I weighed myself and I weigh 107.  Not bad I suppose, but not down to where I was this past summer.  (I gained like 10 lbs over the fall, I was 100 lbs) I've been feeling really weird lately, I have depression and anxiety, and I just started taking anti-depressants a few weeks ago, and for the first week I felt really great, but I think they stopped working, I feel I dont know, not right.  Hard to explain.  My dad had bipolar( had, hes dead now) and my sister has it too, so I'm wondering if I have it and maybe thats why they're making me feel this way.  Well next wednesday I'm going to get checked out, I have an appointment to talk to a counceler so maybe she'll know more.  The person that perscribed the meds to me wasnt even a doctor, shes like a nurse practioner or something, the step below a doctor, and she doesnt specialize in psychology, I just told her I was depressed and she perscribed me meds.  So who knows? Whatevs..I'll just deal with it.

Just bought a scale today,  and one of those heating pads. My appartment gets so cold so i thought it would help.  I cant just turn up the heat cause I have roommates and were all poor so we want to keep the oil bill down haha.  Anyways this morning I screwed up cause not only did I eat two pieces of toast w/ natural peanut butter but I had some of those mini one-bite candy bars, 3 to be exact :(  Oh well..  Then later on in the day I had a grapefruit and some soymilk.  I also had a soy chai tea latte.  And water and green tea, and 4 cigarettes.  All in all I'm guessing I had around 600-700 cals.  Not my best day but def not my worst. Tomorrow I'm just going to have a grapefruit, soymilk, and a spoonful of oatmeal.  And ofcourse limitless water, and tea.

                                                          (picture i painted a while back)

sorry i havent posted in a long time :( i guess ive just been busy and stuff. also for a while i started eating alot of junk food, like sweets and shit, and i felt horrible cause i used to eat really healthy.  So ive recently started a no-sugar diet.  im not eating any sugar for a week, to kill the sugar addiction, and after that the only sugar i can have will be fruits and honey.  like im not even eating fruit for a week and also no refined carbs, not that i eat alot of refined carbs andyways its mostly just whole grains for me.  mostly what ive been eating is veggies, hummus and tea.  i had a tiny bit of natural peanut butter today with a few baby carrot sticks, and when i say a tiny bit i mean like half a teaspoon haha. hmm what to say what to say..oh yeah and i started being a vegan again, ive been a vegetarian for like 2 years, and a few months back i became a vegan for a month but it didnt last but ive just started again.  its exciting, haha ima freak.

new piercings pics

sorry my stomach looks fat, i gained weight:( but im on my way to losing it.

Piercings!!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! im soo excited cause I just..wait for it...got my bellybutton AND my cartilage on my right ear pierced.  I had my left ear cartilage pierced like 6 months ago, but I got it done at the mall and they didnt know what they were doing so had to take it out tonight, and i got the same thing done only by a professional piercer this time and on my right ear.  anywho..i wanna take a pic and post it so ill do that for my next post, cause I dont feel like it right now, i actually have to go to the store to get saline solution, anti-bacterial soap and q-tips now, so maybe when I get back.  nobody knows yet about my navel piercing haha, just me and the blog ofcourse, so whoever reads this.  some of my friends probably wouldnt "agree" with my piercing, but some would be like Hells Yeah, so I'll just have to tell those friends.  Cause I feel like I wanna tell some people.  Alright well untill next time_kayla.

my heart

oh em gee, i am soooo bored.  its like now that i work all day, youd think that i would just want to relax when i get home. not the case, i wanna do something. like eat cake...hahah thank god i dont have any. i have the day off tomorrow:) but then again not really, i have to go to the auto place because my friggin car's rear left bearings are super bad(i just found out the other day btw when i had my oil changed) so in other words my tire could randomly fall off when driving which could mean a flipped over car and possible death. and to top things off i have a doctors appointment tomorrow at 4 because ive developed a heart murmur and palpaltations for some odd reason and i have to get an ultrasound of my heart. <3(my heart)   this is a pic of me this past summer btw.  i miss summer:(

back to subject

its so weird, ever since moving i havent been eating hardly anything.  its almost to a point where i have to tell myself to eat because i need it to survive. so i try to eat a full meal a day, for example yesturday i had lentil soup and cornbread at whole foods. other than that i usually drink vanilla soymilk and have a few baby carrots or whatever. although yesterday i did have a soy chai latte at borders and those usually have quite the cals in them i think. like this is usually how i want to eat(not alot) but i always end up screwing up and eating a lot or something, but now its coming really easy to me:)  im wicked excited too cause ive been talking to a guy that i like a lot lately and im pretty sure that he likes me too.  so its exciting.  ahhh i cant wait till saturday so i can weigh myself, i wonder how much i lost!!  ok side note i just started listening to coldplays song "lost" and right when i wrote the word "lost:" he sung lost..ANYWAYS..i really think i have add or something i can never concentrate on anything. ok back to subject. what was the subject? btw this is a pic of my legs back a few months ago at a concert i went to.

so moved into the appartment this past weekend.  so far so good.  i dont have a scale but im pretty sure that ive been losing a lot of weight cause i havent been eating much lately due to nerves and just not feeling up to it.  im going back home this saturday though so im going to weigh myself then.  i cant wait to see how much ive lost haha.  ugh i dont feel like writing anymore.  im done.

well i havent posted anything in a while.  Mostly cause I've been having a lot on my mind recently.  For one, Im moving out.  Im really excited but also nervous. My friends needed a roommate so I said I would try to find a job in the area and i found one really quickly so it all happened really fast and now Im moving next saturday.  Its only an hour away and my mom said that I could move back whenever if i need to.  So thats cool.  Another reason why I havent posted is because Ive been feeling really guilty cause Ive been eating alot of junk and sweets and havent been losing the weight that I want to.  Seriously, I look fat.  Somebody took a pic of me yesterday and I looked at it on the camera and I'm like omg, I look big.  Like for a while I was fooling myself and thinking that the extra weight that I gained over the past 2 months wasnt noticable but it really is as I just found out by looking  at that pic.  I gained over 10 lbs, so I guess it was inevitable...anyways one good thing about when I move is that I'm not going to buy any junk food so I know I wont eat alot of crap or eat when I'm bored.  Also I'm going to be really busy so I wont have time to eat:)  On another note, Ive been watching alot of anime recently..haha I can be a wicked nerd sometimes.  Alright cyuz

Hence, 3 day fast:) :)

alrighty, im gonna start a 3 day fast and see how it goes.  I love the feeling of fasting, its like you have a secret that no one knows but yourself. Its going to be hard tomorrow though cause I'm hangin with my friend all day.  She's like 5'7" and only 103 lbs right now, cause she just got over the flu.  Lucky.  I wish I could contract the flu.  Maybe I should just tell her to cough on me or something.  Kidding..anyways shes probably not contagious anymore.  She usually doesnt go over 110 lbs anyways.  And she has the nerve to be like "your too skinny" to me.  Seriously.  Right now I dont even want to look at the scale.  Stupid fall, I always gain weight in fall. This past summer I hit 100 lbs, yay past me! Mostly because I started dating this guy, and I was way too nervous/excited to eat.  Then he stopped talking to me.  After that I was way to angry/sad to eat. Lately Ive been eating alot.  Now=to afraid to look at scale.  HATE. ok well I did look and I'm 115. DIE.  Im only 5'4" bt-dub, so not a good weight for me.  Hence, 3 day fast.

ahhh just worked out.  its soo hard to start working out, but I never regret it after I'm done.  I mean who's ever said, "Man I regret working out," when they're finished.   Answer=No one.  That thought helps me get started..anyways I'm going to post a picture I painted of my dad, he passed away 7 years ago, I painted it from a pic I have of him. Not that has anything to do with working out..but whatever. Not gonna say much today, I'll write more tomorrow.

Bland food=Best food

Ok so I figured out after a lot of past binges, that the best way for me to avoid a binge is to eat bland food.  It seems whenever I start eating something really flavorful it, I don't know, awakens my taste buds, and they start screaming "MORE, MORE FOOD!" Loud enough to block out all reason.  But if I just stick to bland food I avoid the screaming taste buds. haha I make them sound like evil villains.  Another problem is that I enjoy cooking immensely, but I found a way around that too.  I just cook for others, I get the same satisfaction knowing others enjoy the food that I've made them...well more actually cause I'm not eating it.

Exercise makes you happy happy:)

wow, my last post was really depressing, i guess i was having a bad day. but..today im feeling MUCH better. ive been doing pilates and working out for the past few days and I think its making me feel more happy:) well studies do show that working out makes you happy so it makes sence that I'm feeling happier.  I'm thinking about getting a ballet exercise dvd, cause Ive always been interested in ballet, and see how it works.  Id bet it would be hard but worth it I'm sure! I'm done now...

why me?

ok so i think my sisters father in law pretty much admitted to liking me through a private message on fb a few days ago. fuck my life. i want to puke. why me? because i have a shitty life and shitty things seems to always come my way. hes such a freak, but i cant be sure if thats what he really meant, but it sure sounded like it. btw hes like 30 years older than me. i showed the message to my my mom and she cant figure out what he really means either.  atleast i never see him. eww i hope i never see him again.  anyways i just wanted to let it out on here.  well whatever im going to stop thinking about it now and go on to another subject of why the hell have I been eating so much lately?! its like the more i think about calories and weight and fasting, etc, it seems the more i eat. I absolutely hate it. And not only eating, but eating lots of junky food too.  Like I used to be really conscience of what I ate, I never ate processed foods and sugary foods, etc.  But lately it seems they've been creeping into my diet and I feel like shit.  It's like all self-control has left me and I feel so empty all the time, so I just want to eat. But the awful full feeling you get after a binge is not worth it. At all. And then the purging. Its a never-ending cycle.  I really want to try to start eating healthy again, like NO sugars and processed foods.  And NO over-eating. Well I have to go to bed.

random ranting before bed

So yeah...my 3 day fast didnt last three days, but i did go a little over two days.  So yes i failed..but at the same time I've never actually gone on without eating any food for that long believe it or not. I ended up eating (alot) late tuesday night, by the end i felt really full and i felt crappy so i purged:( I really gotta stop doing that.  I realize though that in order to stop purging i have to stop binging which is hard sometimes, mostly when I'm feeling stressed. Im going to start a food/ exercise journal so I can keep track of the amount of food I eat and exercise I get.  I think it will be beneficial. Oh yeah I got some more tea today:) :) I LOVE TEA!! Im pretty much addicted.  I got some more regular green tea cause I ran out and I got some thai green tea, and the yogi healthy fasting tea. The thai green tea comes in a cute pink tin can and its really yummy, with coconut and other thai flavors in it, all natural. ok my cat is on my lap right now and her paw has been resting on my wrist while I'm typing for like the last two minutes. It's kind of funny watching her paw move while my hand moves to type, anyways...I did some pilates for an hour at 9 pm. I think I might play some guitar now before bed, Bon Nuit:)

2nd Day Fast

Today is the second day of my fast.  Well technically i didnt eat anything after 5:30 on sunday so i just completed 2 days but officially i started the fast on monday morning.  I like to start things in the morning, thats just how i roll:) I weighed myself this morning and i lost 3 lbs just from one day of fasting, pretty good I'd say. I cant wait to weigh myself tomorrow morning to see how much I lost. Im still drinking water, tea and black coffee, so I do drink, its not a complete fast but those are the drinks I allow myself.  Just got back from work, Im wiped. As for exercising I walked to and from work and later I think I'll do some pilates. Feeling tired but overall great:) Au Revoir!

heyy-First Blog

So I had a blog like a year ago but i didnt stick with it, but i want to start one up again so here i am. I'm on the first day of a three day fast and its exactly 5:00 PM. So I need things to do to get my mind off eating haha, hence the start of a new blog :) Right now I'm laying on my bed, akwardly trying to type, my cat's curled up under the blanket by my feet:) Things I love to do include playing guitar and harmonica and singing, art, music, reading, and fashion, drinking tea haha(im addicted) among other things but thats all i can thin oh and snowboarding!! the seasons coming up for snowboarding too, im soo excited!! anyways im done for now see yaz.