blahhh!!!!!!!!!!! im so annoyed.  I keep on trying to comment on some of the blogs i follow but for some reason i cant.  i dont know why, it just started doing this like maybe 5 days ago or something.  i never used to have a problem with commenting on blogs.  but now its like gotta sign in first, even though im already signed, so i sign in but then it still doesnt let me.  arghh so frustrating.  well just want to let y'all know, I am reading your blogs even though i dont comment.

sorry for posting again so soon, but seriously not even 1 hour after i last posted i binged and purged.  i fucking hate myself.  i had 2 pieces of pizza, a granola bar and a fat free pudding.  im so ashamed of myself. i dont think i purged it all up.  i hope i dont gain.  i dont even know what to do with myself.  so im on here blogging about it. im going to have some green tea and hope that it burns some of my fat.  sorry for the shitty post. 

Hey guys!!
First as a reply to Always Striving, yeah they make vanilla coke zero and believe me it is addicting.  I love it.  But the only thing is that i can never find it at gas stations and i dont think you can buy just one serving, i can only find it in 12-packs at the supermarket.  And yeah zero-cal rockstars in the pink can are to die for.  There super yummy, I like them more than the redbulls.

And to Dani- I am SOO sorry that you can't have caffeine.  I seriously dont know how thats possible cause thats how i get by.  I also work at a cafe so i pretty much live on caffeine.  Too much definately isnt good for you though i suppose, but oh well.  I probably have wayyy to much a day but i cant seem to help it.

So something very scary happened to me the other night.  I was at my friends house sleeping over and I didnt have anything to eat that day.  Anyways i get up in the middle of the night to pee and after i go i start feeling sick.  Anyways i get up, then all the sudden my heart starts racing i start sweating, feeling numb and i end up passing out.  I wake up and immediately know i need some thing to eat so i go to there fridge and then pass out again, anyways i end up passing out 4 times in total all around their kitchen,  I was so scared cause i felt so helpless but finally the 4th and last time that i passed out i was lying on the floor after i woke up and i heard my friend's mom yelling to my friend to find out if i was ok cause apparently i was making ALOT of noise.  So emily comes down stairs finds me laying there. and takes me to a chair and gets me orange juice and cuts up an apple for me.  After that i started feeling better.  But from now on im going to start taking a multi everyday and eat atleast something to get me through.  Cause I definately do not want that happening again.  But that was two nights ago, and im feeling better now.  I didnt eat anything today untill just now (its about 7 pm), and i had a grapefruit, and my vitamin.  And i also am sipping some diet hot chocolate from swiss miss.  Its only 25 cals per packet!!  Its not as good as regular hot chocolate obviously, but it works.
As for working out ive been trying to do atleast a little bit each day.  Today i played tennis with my mom.
Other than that nothing else is new with me except ive been feeling super depressed at times, but right at the moment im feeling pretty good.  So thats good.  Alright well I hope you all are doing great! See yuzz :)

fasted the day before yesturday, yesturday i ate about 600 cals?? today fasting again...although i shouldnt say my fasting days are totally fasting cause i still drink coffee with a little vanilla soymilk and splenda.  and im absolutely addicted to rockstar's zero cal pink can energy drink.  i drink theose alot. as well as diet coke especially vanilla coke zero.  party in my mouth. mua ha ha. i love drinking tea too. especially since i just got some cute tea cups.  i feel like im from alice in wonderland when i drink from them.  anyways.
i went to the movies with this guy i know today.  who knows. i think he likes me but not sure if i like him.

starting a lemon and water with honey (if hot) or splenda (if cold) fast.  got the idea from broken scale obsession blog. hopefully i'll be able to do it for atleast three days.  we'll see how much self-control i have... the weather has been soo crappy.  really rainy and dreary for the coming up week :(  fuck maine..oh well. 'tis my life. ehh i want a cigarette.

ive been working out more the last few days.  trying to eat as little as possible but usually one time everyday i screw up so then i go for a run.  i feel fat. obviously. or else i wouldnt have this blog.  super depressed lately.  my mom screamed at me yesturday for being a low life or something like that.. for like 10 minutes.  screaming.  i just sat there.   and said nothing.  ive been working alot lately.  drinking alot of coffee.  want to start smoking again, but afraid my mom will find out and kick me out or something. 

dye it blonde

dyed my hair blonde.  i have to go to the salon tomorrow though to get it toned cause theres some orange undertones that i want to get rid of.  i did it from a box so it figures.  its not bad though.

sorry i havent posted in like forever.  ive been sp preoccupied with my life.  anyways.  i went to florida again to visit seth, and pretty much were broken up.  fuck him. asswhipe.  whatever.  ANYWAYS.  i am 109 lbs.  pretty much have been staying the same weight, i was 107 lbs a few days ago but ive been eating too much the last 2 days.  ill start doing better though starting right now, cause i really want to be 105 by this weekend.  its taking all my power not to start smoking again. arghhh.  ahh i want a fucking boyfriend.  wow that wasnt at all desperate sounding.  ha ha ha. alright see yazz.

3 day fast??

is gonna start fasting starting now!! i just NEED to.  gonna do it as long as i can, which will prob be like 12 hours later knowing what a lazy fucktard i am.  seriously though, im aiming for 3 days.  tomorrows friday, so i guess itll be a weekend thing.  fri, sat, and sun.  then after that only salads and low-cal soup and shit like that.  oh ill still drink water while the fast is on.  and maybe coffee if i really i need it. and herbal tea. but thats it.

*needs to lose weight without over thinking it*

thats my problem right there, i over think it and then end up getting stressed-out and start eating wayy to much.  anyways...i just need to stop being a lazy-ass bum and start working out more.  Seriously. Its redic-u-lous. Infact I'm going to go work out right now, so hollazz.

Oh and thankyou Dani for congratulating me on the new job :)

One more note before I go....Seth (my new boy that i talked about in last post) is AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!

Hey Guys! Soo its been a while...mostly cause I've been eating more normally lately.  Im on this new medication and its really working I think.  I dont feel as depressed anymore etc.  I havent gained any weight but I haven't really lost any either.  Im at 110 lbs.  Also I dumped that kid that I was semi-dating, as in he asked me out but I wasnt sure if I wanted to date him so I said I dont know.  But last week i ended whatever kinda relationship we had.  We're just wayyy too different.  And Im not physically attracted to him...so yeah.  But I met someone else, and this kid that i really really like is prertty much perfect for me.  We have alot in common, alot of the same interests, we get along great, and i am so into him, hes really hot.  So yeahh, the only thing is he's my old semi-boyfriends friend.  Oh well.  I actually met him at the club when I got really drunk, and I was hitting on him the whole night.  Ha ha ha.  I swear Im really not a skank, even though it prob seems like it :)  But Im really gonna try to lose some more weight, but a lil more healthily, this way i'll avoid binges which lead to self-hate.  So im thinking i'll keep it around 700 cals a day.  And just staying active and exercising.  I also started a new job today now that I've movewd back home.  Its at a cute local cafe.  My scene haha.  Alright thats all for now.  See yuzz!

btw everythings fine about my stepfather walking in on me, checking out my stomach fat.  hes kind of the person that probably figures that thats what all girls do.

anyways, just got back last night from florida last night.  AND i weighed myself this morning and i weigh 108 lbs!! i mustve lost like atleast 4 lbs while i was down there.  Pretty much all i ate was like 2 salads a day and drink rum shots at night.  Last night tho, i ate a shit load of food so right now all im thinking about is that i would weigh even less if i didnt eat all that food.  It was junk food too.  I got it at the gas station for the ride home from the airport.  So i was having straight rum shots, and while doing them i was wondering how many calories are in rum?? I got so drunk the second night, I had 5 shots, and especially the fact that i wasnt eating alot and im on meds..yeah pretty much i was wasted.  We went to a club, me and my "guy friend" and his friends, and i was so bad, I almost got us kicked out cause Im under 21 and it was obvious that i was drunk.  When we got back to his house that night we had a pretty intense make-out session on my bed, I still have a hickey near my pelvic bone from it. Sorry if thats tmi, but I cant really tell anyone I know about all of this, so I like to get it out on here. Fun times fun times haha.  The second morning I payed for it though, cause i puked twice and felt like complete shit.  Well glad to be back. 

ok embarassing story.  so i was just in my mom and and stepfathers room watching tv with them and they both left.  so i go over to their mirror and pull up my shirt till my stomach is showing and start sucking in and checking out my belly fat and seriously start grabbing the fat that i need to loose etc.  Then my stepfather walks in and sees me.  so i pretty much just pulled my shirt down and walked out of the room with my head down and face red.  hahaha kinda emabarassing, oh well.  So i lost another pound, i am now down to 112, and i did pretty good calorie-wise today so i should lose some more tomorrrow morning when i weigh myself.

i crave cigarettes not food.

ahhhh im craving a cigarette like a mother fuckerrrr.  but as mentioned before im now living at my moms and im not aloud to smoke:(  and i cant do it behind her back, because ive tried that and it makes me feel like shit and wicked guilty so yeah..then i end up wanting to cut and anyways...i just really want one.  man this blows. on the bright side (if there is one) ive lost some more weight.  not alot cause i ended up eating too much yesturday, a.k.a binged, not a bad one though. I worked out afterwards though to burn some off. so yeah i prob ended up having like 1500 cals yesturday, i think. The day before i only had 250 though, so thats good. so i lost 2 lbs over the past two days.  im now 113. >_<  blech it seems so high, but whatevs just want to stay positive and keep in mind that it WILL go down.  just gotta be patient.  Anywhoo i dont have anything to add, so yeah.  hope all is well with you all <3

2/4/11

Went to Borders today, cause I havent read anything in a while and Ive been really jonesing for a book. Picked up Cut and Must Love Black.  Both from the young adult section.  I love young adult books, Im 19 so I guess I can still get away with it haha.  Anywhoo..to Glitch who commented on my last post about the salad, I use balsamic vinegar btw, just wanted to throw that out there.  I love just vinegar and olive oil for dressing.  I dont like regular dressing cause of all the shit they put in them.  But I do like to have a little fat with the lettuce cause the vitamins in lettuce are fat soluble or whatever so your body can only absorb the vitamins with some fat, and olive oil is a healthy fat so yeah...
Went to the councelor today for a medication eval cause I need to be put back on meds.  So i am now officially on meds.  Before I was taking citalopram for depression but they made me whacko cause of bipolar or something, so now I am on Lexapro.  I told her that I was afraid to be on meds cause of the side effects, and I said that I heard alot of them make you fat so I didnt want that. Obviously.  So she prescribed Lexapro, apparently its VERY rare that youll gain weight while on it.  So thats good. 

 last night for dinner i had a bowl of lettuce w/ vinegar and a teensy bit of olive oil and some black pepper (75-100?? the olive oil is what makes it more), while my family had spaghetti and meatballs.
scale this morning.. lost 2 lbs....:) this morning i had half a can of tuna (50) and a small orange (35).

food plan for the rest of the day: other half of the can of tuna (50), bowl of lettuce w/ vinegar, olive oil and black pepper (75-100?)
im making spanish rice and beans for my family tonight though, my mom likes the way i cook it.  That used to be a staple of mine, when i used to be a vegan.  But i eat it so much that im pretty sure ill be able to decline. I'll prob have a tiny bit just to make sure the seasoning is good, but thats like a spoonful, and rice and beans arent high in cals anyways so im not too worried about it.  
anyways theres this guy that ive been talking to alot lately, he really likes me, but im not sure if i want to go out with him.  hes super nice though.  he lives in florida though which is definatley a long-distance relationship, so i dont know...anyways hes friends with one of my friends, thats how i met him, when he came up to visit my friend. anyways im going to be visiting him on the 10th, im really nervous about it :/

So i havent posted in a while.  Alot has been happening I guess you could say.  Last week I was really depressed, to the point of wanting to kill myself on saturday.  But no worries, I obviously didnt cause I'm here writing this post.  Its just I was at a point where I was feeling so guilty cause I started smoking cigarettes like 2 months ago, and nobody knew about it except my councelor.  Doesnt sound too bad right? but if you knew my mom, my family and my friends, there all really against that, so yeah..  So saturday I went to the store got some razors, went home, cleaned my room, took a shower, got dressed in my favorite shirt, put some insence on, some music and just started cutting. But then I got really scared cause the first one i did was really deep and I almost puked and felt like i was going to pass out, so i called my mom, told her to come and get me. told her what i was doing...she asked me why....I said guilt...for what...and then I said cause I started smoking.  Anyways now Im moving back home (I moved out three months ago in an appartment with two friends) and all that cause its "more stable." I cant smoke anymore though, big surprise.  One thing that really pissed me off though, was that when my mom and her husband came over to "help" me on that lovely evening,  the husband said i think you should give your cigarettes over to your mom.  Here I am bleeding, crying and completely screwed up and thats all he can think of.  They never asked to hand the razor blades over.  Like whats gonna kill me cigarettes or fucking razor blades, asswhipe? I want to believe that they truly care, but somethimes its hard to when they say shit like that.  But I am doing better now.  I just got back from snowshoeing.  Theres soo much snow,  really good exercise.  I think you burn alot of cals snowshoeing. I ate cereal this morning and some coffee, apparently I wasnt feeling fat this morning, but i sure as hell am right now, so Im going to try not gonna eat for the rest of the day.  Just some tea and water for me please. 

i feel fat i feel fAT i FeEl FaT I feEL FAT I FEEL FAT. Im fat, my legs are fat my arms are fat my stomaches fat my everything is fat fat fat.  I need to shrink shrink shrink......


Into Nothing

*feels like death*

I feel dead right now.  I hate my fucked up mood swings.  One moment Im fine, and the next  I just want to die.  No worries though I wont actually kill myself.  I just feel empty.  hard to explain.  I started smoking again.  I tried to quit.  But yeah..just started again this past weekend.  I have no control over anything.  Except eating.  I can control that and I will have control.  It feels good.  Smoking and not eating.  I did eat something today though, a cup of black bean soup-100 cals. And an apple-50.  Nothing else for me today though.  Nothing else would feel right in me.

Fate

just got my septum pierced yesturday, hells to the yeah!! Looove it.  Hurt like hell though going in, but I know this is going to sound weird but I kinda liked the pain.  Anywho, went to see the councelor today, she thinks i need a med evaluation, so im going in this thursday, and also she thinks I have bipolar, who the hell knows.  BUT the biggest thing that happened to me today.  I swear to god it seems like fate.  Anyways let me tell you the story.  Ok so like a week or so ago I went to hot topic, I got a shirt and some stuff for my step sister, anyways a guy that works there I notice is really cute, and I also notice that he has his septum pierced which I have been wanting for a while.  So i strike up a convo and ask if it hurt when he got it pierced and i said i wanted one for a while, blah blah blah.  Ok so yesturday, Im having a bad day, and I decide to get my septum pierced to cheer me up.  After I get it done I go to the mall.  I go in hot topic.  Hes there.  I get a bra and thong(ha ha ha).  He remembers me, sees that i have the septum piercing.  Conragulates me.  Blah blah blah.  Anyways so today, at likje 6 oclock i went for a walk in downtown.  I hear this guy on the other side of the street playing the guitar and singing, and hes actually REALLY good, which is rare cause a lot of the people who play on the street arent that great, anyways its pretty dark so i cant see the face clearly.  So i go to starbucks and get a mint tea for myself and i do something insane, well not that insane anyways I also get a cup of hot chocolate, intending to give it to the guitar player cause hes really good, and its cold out.  So as Im walking up to the guitar player and I notice that its HIM. Hot topic guy.  Like what are the odds. Ahhh.  So i give the hot chocolate to him and Im like oh my god I didnt even know it was you, I just heard you from the opposite side of the street and heard you were really good so I wanted to get you hot chocolate.( he remembers me btw, good sign)  And he was like thanks, my hands were getting really cold, blah blah blah, and Im like yeah I play also, it sucks playing outside when its cold, bla blah, and anyways he asks me my name and he introduces himself.  But then I got shy so Im like alright see ya, and leave.  Hes sooo cute.  Whatever, Ill prob never see him again, and he prob already has a girlfriend, or is gay, I dont know.  Such is my life.

so i havent blogged in a while cause thursday night my friend spent the night, and spent the day with me on friday, then friday night I drove to Rhode Island to visit my family.  It was kind of a spur of the moment trip.  Anyways Im down to 106 lbs.  Im kinda surprised cause yesturday I spent the day with my grandmother and shes Italian, so shes always like EAT, EAT!! You know how it is.  But last thursday and friday I didn't eat much, and so far today I had a poached egg (75 cals) and half a grapefruit (50 cals), and its 3:00 pm.  So I guess it evened out.  On a side note..I cant't wait till this wretched winter is over, I want summer so badd so I can go to the ocean every day I have off and lie on the beach.  Ahhh doesnt that sound nice??